"LIFE" by Belle

2011: The Year of Never Ending Heartbreak

2011-12-19T12:55:00.000-08:00

It's seemingly impossible to keep a smile on my face, these days. Here's my year in negative recap:

Jan: Broke up with Tyler. :(

Feb: Got back together with Tyler

Mar: Broke up with Tyler. :(

Apr: Got back together with Tyler

May: Broke up with Tyler. :(

June: Cried every night, while my roommate went to Idaho to party with Tyler.

July: Got screwed by Cameo college and couldn't graduate without paying an extra $4,000. Lost my friendship with both my roommate, Fritzy, and Tyler.

Aug: Got screwed by roommates.

Sep: Got new, untrustworthy roommates. My luck.

Oct: My mom left my Dad.

Nov: Divorce finalized, Mom remarried 6 days later.

Dec: BOTH of my untrustworthy roommates moved out, leaving me with all the bills to pay. SARAH JANE DOUGHTY, the worst human being on the planet earth, broke my door in while I was in Idaho and proceeded to take everything that meant anything to me. Jewelry from Egypt, Jordan, Dubai, Africa, the Bahamas. Every piece of jewelry I've ever been given or owned in my entire life, including gifts from my Mother, boyfriends, friends, etc. She took all of my bras and underwear (which, ew...), half of the clothes in my closet, black boots, socks, undershirts, every hat I owned, scarves from Ireland, Africa, Canada. She took every single one of my professional makeup brushes, over half of my makeup, toilet paper, q-tips, deodorant, Redken shampoo and conditioner, my ambien, my orange fujifilm camera that I got in Texas for my Christmas present on my mission including every one of my xd cards that had all of my mission pictures on them. Those pictures are backed up NOWHERE. The total of goods she stole from me is over $20,000.

I am empty. I have lost everything that meant anything to me this year, excluding a very select small group of close friends and family. I lost the one true love I've probably ever had, my best friend and roommate Fritzy, my parent's marriage, my relationship with my mother, every sentimental item that has ever been given to me, and so much money it's unbelievable. My heart has been broken again and again and again this year.

Sooooo, I'm trying to find a reason to smile. And be happy. And I can't think of many. Here's my year in positive recap:

Jan: um...

Feb: ...

Mar: ...

Apr: ...

May: ...

Jun: Turned 25 in Vegas with my best friend Angie Hugie :)

Jul: Graduated from CAMEO!!!! 19 months later

Aug: Got hired at Array Salon! I love my coworkers! I love the salon environment where I work!

I love our clientele! I am just in love with Array. HIP HIP ARRAY!

Sep: ...

Oct: ...

Nov: Thanksgiving with Toddy and Mireya, my chosen family :)

Dec: ...hoping something good happens before the month's end, otherwise it will just be a bust all month.

After living with a broken heart, I am ready to be happier and healthier next year. Here's to saying "FUCK YOU 2011!" And please, please, please 2012, be better to me. I won't survive if next year is harder than this year.

A Love Letter To Me

2011-11-29T10:28:00.000-08:00

I'd like to take a minute to give thanks for me. I deserve chips and salsa, a pair of Rock and Republic jeans, and the Miss Busy Award, because I truly rock. Remember earlier this year, when I lost 40 pounds and graduated hair school? Not to mention the fact that I frequently help Sarah get around without complaining (because she's awesome). Someone with my kindness and intelligence should be feted with wine and karaoke. So on November 29th, I vow to take at least a few hours for me. I'll go to the gym, get a pedicure, and give Draya a call, because we have the most intelligent conversations. I may even wear my black express dress and refer to myself as Roxy all afternoon. Starting now, I'll remember to acknowledge that I deserve time for music, and space for yoga and meditation. In short, I'm going to enjoy the hell out of myself, on Self Day and every day!

Success!

2011-10-04T11:02:00.000-07:00

After a grueling 19 months at Cameo College, which shall forever be referred to as Hell, I graduated hair school on July 13th. It was a bittersweet moment. First of all, I cried, which I TOTALLY did not see coming. I guess that's how my body reacts when experiences end. Any experience, really. I just cry it out. Then, I walked out of the building around noon with nothing to do and nobody to celebrate with. Talk about anti-climactic.

I got RIGHT ON finding a job. I printed out resumes with a watermark of my face in the background and passed them out to every salon I had ever wanted to work at. A year or so ago, my beautiful friend Erin Chaney Hendersen recommended her hairstylist, Bryan Raybould. Bryan worked at Jagged Edge. I went to him, and immediately fell in love with my hair. He gave me my best color!

See! I loved that color! So, Erin was getting her hair done at the beginning of August, by Bryan, and she texted me that he and Ashlee wanted me to work for them! Ashlee and Bryan Raybould are both hairstylists and they purchased Jagged Edge, did a little remodel, and renamed it Array Salon. I went in, dropped off my resume, and immediately Ashlee said, "Belle, we want you to come work for us!!!" A week later, I had my roommate Kenzie come in and be my cut and color model.

I was offered the stylist position, but I still had 3 other salons to interview with. After the interviews, I decided that Array was the best fit for me, and HERE I AM!!! I Loooooove it! I adore being downtown, it's so beautiful. The atmosphere of the city makes me happy. The clientele is edgy and wonderful. My coworkers are amazing, and I love every one of them. I'm still working at Sephora 20 hours a week, and I'm at Array 36 hours a week. Life is so good to me! I am a happy girl!

The Purpose of Relationships

2011-06-06T16:33:00.000-07:00

"Be sure you and your mate agree on purpose. If you both agree at a conscious level that the purpose of your relationship is to create an opportunity, not an obligation-- an opportunity for growth, for full Self expression, for lifting your lives to their highest potential, for healing every falst thought or small idea you ever had about you, and for ultimate reunion with God through the communion of your two souls -- if you take that vow instead of the vows you've been taking-- the relationship has begun on a very good note. It's gotten off on the right foot. That's a very good beginning...

Know and understand that there will be challenges and difficult times. Don't try to avoid them. Welcome them. Gratefully. See them as grand gifts from God; glorious opportunities to do what you came into the relationship-- and life-- to do. Try very hard not to see your partner as the enemy, or the opposition, during these times.

In fact, seek to see no one, and nothing, as the enemy-- or even the problem. Cultivate the technique of seeing all problems as opportunities. Opportunities to be, and decide, Who You Really Are."

-- Neale Donald Walsch

Conversations With God

2011-03-23T20:58:00.000-07:00

Inquire within, rather than without asking: "What part of my Self do I wish to experience now in the face of this calamity? What aspect of being do I choose to call forth?" For all of life exists as a tool of your own creation, and all of its events merely present themselves as opportunities for you to decide, and be, Who You Are. -- Neale Donald Walsch

Soooooo...

2011-02-18T14:01:00.000-08:00

well... i find myself alone again. i think i am going to stop seeing men completely because i hate hurting people. i hate being the reason anyone is in pain. especially someone i love. it's weird that i have loved so many people in my life, but none of them have felt "right" in my gut. this time, i really thought it was going to be right. i really did. but, that feeling deep down that it wasn't quite what i needed wouldn't go away. i kept trying, because i was truly in love but i could never shake that feeling.

i just stare now. wondering why i keep doing this to men. and hoping i don't have to feel this heartbreak again.

.2011.

2011-01-02T22:04:00.001-08:00

.Seek spirituality at least one day a week.
.Nourish my body with healthy, frequent food.
.Build and maintain physical health by gyming at least thrice weekly.
.Focus on the future by visiting one salon per week.
.Develop an outstanding resume and portfolio.
.Do weekly photo shoots.
.Partake of alcohol in moderation.
.Yoga :)
.Go to Canada, Mexico, and LA.
.Graduate hair school!!!
.Research positions as a brand rep or brand educator.
.Journal.
.Hike, camp, explore.
.Write two songs.
.Play guitar for at least an hour each week.
.Practice meditation, deep relaxation, and self-reflection for 10 minutes per day.
.Practice positive thinking.
.Research and plan a trip to Europe.
.Live frugally, follow a budget, live within my means.
.Pay attention to the things that make me happy and remove the things that don't.
.Be kinder, forgive more, smile at people, laugh.
.Love <3

Here's to you, 2011!

2010. The Year In Review; Part Un

2011-01-02T21:26:00.000-08:00

JANUARY: I moved to Utah! I started Cosmetology school at Cameo College. I spent New Years Eve in Boise, ringing in the New Year with Stephanie and Zach Lords, and Joey. My new years resolutions included: Improving eating habits, exercising regularly, journaling (um...see February); open communication with self, friends, and family (see March); honest recognition of feelings, whether or not I want to feel them; engaging in meaningful, in-depth conversations with friends, family, and strangers :) And, seeking happiness through paying attention to my feelings.

FEBRUARY: I don't remember a thing about February. I was drinking a lot and never journaled :( Glad I grew out of that phase! It was rough.

MARCH: Joe and I were trying the long distance thing. He's such a good guy. My family found out that I do not participate in the LDS church. That was hard. It still is...

APRIL: I started training at 24 hours with Todd Krause. Got hired by Sephora :) Dad called me! And came down to Utah just to take me to dinner! I did makeup at the "What a Woman Wants" show. I went to Washington to visit Jen and we sweat our butts off dancing at this really fun concert featuring "March Fourth" and some hippy band. GOOGLE IT! Bestie and I got matching skull tattoos. And, I had a really hard month because I was betrayed by the best friend I had in Salt Lake. Maddie Wood cut all of my hair off.

MAY: Sephora training was 4 weeks, and it was awesome. Over 30 girls and we ALL GET ALONG! It's insane. I got "Give me truth" and four Native American symbols tattooed on my forearms. I'm pretty in love with them. Every time I look at my arms, I feel connected to me. I had lots of fun partying with Kaj, and Todd (my awesome personal trainer) and I pretty much became best friends. I love him!

2010...The Year In Review; Part Two

2010-12-28T21:56:00.000-08:00

JUNE!!! I turned 24 and Dave spoiled me a lot for my birthday. Sephora opened. I exercised the most I ever have in my life and ate 9 times a day. It was awesome! I lived with Anna Johnson, Shairstin Gardner, Trina Orton, Tiffany Erickson, Angie Erickson, and Connie Fairbanks all in one month! Haahahaaaaa! It was rough for a minute there! I also found out that I was in the top ten for all of North America in the International competition I entered in March. I purchased Coco the Cube, the biggest purchase and commitment I have EVER made! A vehicle!

JULY: Jen came to visit me for Independence Day weekend. We watched the fireworks at Sugarhouse Park with Dave. It was packed. After, the crowd was huge trying to get to their vehicles. Jen and I ran for at least a few blocks because...it felt good. Working at Sephora and going to school full-time became super hard this month and I switched to part-time at Cameo. Hard decision! I made a gallon's worth of homemade salsa about once a week. Also, I got really into nature hiking and went up to Secret Lake quite a few times.

AUGUST: The finale of ABC's "The Bachelorette" made me cry because it made me want love again.. After working my ASS off, I lost my 21st pound this month! It was so hard! Bestie, Kala, Casey and I had a Bestie outing in Jackson Hole, and Yellowstone. White water rafting and lots of wine! HAHA! Bestie and I got super comfy Bestie Hoodies to celebrate our second annual bestie outing :) What a great life. I met Steven Moody and Tina Anderson, the creative directors of Vidal Sassoon. Awesome.

SEPTEMBER: Tyler and I connected on September 11th and have been obsessed with each other ever since. :) I participated in a karaoke competition that had a series of elimination rounds. I made it to the finals. It was so fun. My signature song choice? Barbara Streisand, "Don't Rain On My Parade." You know it!

OCTOBER: Tyler and I had fun on Halloween and he taught me how to REALLY carve a pumpkin. I also went to San Fran with my sister Jen. While I was gone, Tyler moved my entire apartment to a new apartment in the same complex where we live together :) I also sang in Cameo's hairshow and worked with a gorgeous model, Ciarah Howard, as my hair show model.

NOVEMBER: I met Tyler's family :) Thanksgiving was fun with Trainer Todd, Ember, Kala, and Melody (from Texas!) What a great month! Also, on November 6th, I became pretty intensely obsessed with The Rescues cover version of Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream." YOUTUBE IT!!!!!!!!!! Mikey came home from his mission in Brasilia, Brasil.

DECEMBER: Tyler and I spent our first poor-folk Christmas together...and broke up on New Years Eve :( I spent the last night of 2010 sobbing...which, ironically, was how I spent the last night of the year 2 years ago when I returned home from my mission.

HERE'S TO A BIGGER, BETTER YEAR IN 2011!!

this face is in love

2010-11-27T15:12:00.000-08:00

so...there's this boy. his name is tyler. i sure do love him. he makes me a happy little girl <3

San Fran-Sisters :)

2010-11-25T12:39:00.000-08:00

October 15-18, 2010,

Jen and I went to San Francisco this weekend and it was awesome! We traveled around by foot, bus, and cab. We mingled with the San FranFolk. They are cool, btw. We walked up and down a street fair with all handmade goods. I purchased a beautiful feather hair piece and shirt dress. Jen purchased some cute shirts and hoodie's at an adorable little shop in lower Haight. There were Medical Marijuana dispensories on every corner which was weird. We made friends with one cab driver that took us the the windiest road in San Fran for free because he thought Jen was pretty. We watched "It's Kind Of A Funny Story" with Zach Galifianakis, which was hilarious. We ate breakfast at this HOPPIN' restaurants I've ever seen. I had eggs benedict and it was honestly breath taking. Perfect. Jen had duck something and it was quite tasty as well. Every employee was hip and personalized in some very unique way. Other than weed on every corner, San Fran is FULL of people with personality. We had some impromptu photo shoots; I found a kitty hat; and we didn't have sourdough or ride a bike across the Golden Gate Bridge. We DID, however, run into the most incredible psychic. She told Jen all kinds of true stuff. She told me that the man I am with right now is my soulmate, that I was made to have 2 babies. And something that still sounds in my ears, that I have never been happy but my children will bring me happiness for the first time in my life. Oh yeah, I'm going to live until I'm 89; I have what it takes to be famous and I need to move to a bigger city to achieve my dreams; and that I am on a path that will lead me to happiness ;)

It was sooooo fun to spend 3 days with my sissy. I loved every minute. :)

Up In The Air

2010-10-14T06:12:00.000-07:00

I just watched "Up In The Air" again. For those who haven't seen this film, George Clooney's character travels almost 300 days a year. He doesn't have a relationship with anyone, really. In comes this 23 year old trying to "run the company" he works for. As she travels around with him firing people, she gets mad at him for never desiring a wife or family.

Sooooooooo, this time when I was watching I noticed an entirely new theme. This young girl came into the company George worked for and developed a new way to "let people go" through a computer screen rather than face to face. There is a scene in the film that takes place on a dock. The young character, Natalie, tells George (he can't ever be referred to as his character's name because he's George Clooney) that he is an asshole because he never allows anyone to get close to him and he is avoiding all human interaction.

Isn't it funny that Natalie came into the company and forced George's character to remove what little human interaction he had left in his life? She forced the company to stop firing people face-to-face. And that was George's only life line.

Anywho, if I had gotten a second of sleep last night, this may have been a moving and powerful blog about how important human interaction is and bla bla bla.... but I'm just too tired. You should probably watch the movie and add some meaning here for me _________________.

Living; To Live

2010-10-11T15:49:00.000-07:00

Last night, I went to a family dinner with my friend Brinnah's family. We sat around, laughed, ate, drank her dad's special drink, and had a grand old time. Then, Ty and I went to a park, cuddled, and used the app on his neato phone to look at the stars and constellations in the sky. I went to bed feeling happy about the people in my life. I thought today, "Man, I really lived last night." It struck the idea, why do we think we have to be accomplishing something in order to be using our time wisely? Some of the greatest times I've ever had, the times I've really lived, were moments sitting around, laughing with great people. I remember spending last thanksgiving in the middle of the Wadi Arab desert in Jordan. We danced around the fire with our Bedouin friends. We went to bed having lived a day, but we didn't accomplish anything. It was so fantastic!

These thoughts led me to learn about "living." Whenever I want to learn about something, I ask my friend Google.

Google says this:

LIVE: to be: have life, be alive; or to know: have firsthand knowledge of states, situations, emotions, or sensations.

Why should we sit around at a family/friends gathering and talk politics/religion/something productive? That's not life! That's not living! Life is experiencing reality and loving it. So live, and forget about measuring up to the world's standard of life. We are better than the world! We are life!

Miss Communication

2010-10-08T13:31:00.000-07:00

Life has been teaching me about communication lately. I figured they were lessons I should write down to internalize. Also, I think God gifts me more lessons in life when I acknowledge I've been receiving them by writing about them. Oh yeah, and my hands are too lazy to write, thus typinggggggg :) Writing....typing.... It's 2010, same thing.

Lesson 1:
I had been struggling to communicate clearly in a few of my most major relationships for sometime. It seemed impossible to understand one another completely in every situation. While sitting in my theory class at Cosmetology school, I tuned in to my teacher when she said, "Try to focus on whether you react or respond to others when communicating. For example:
A."Why do you wear black jeans every single day?"
B. "Do you think I look fat in black jeans?" (Reaction)

A. "Why do you wear black jeans every single day?"
B. "Because I like black jeans." (Response) "

When my instructor said this, I thought about my daily communications. It was then that I realized that I react a majority of the time, rather than responding. I started to recognize, after analyzing my communication stye, that I react because I almost always assume offense. I expect every statement to be an attack or a "dig." I assume that people are going to say something sarcastic to me because that is what my experience in life has taught me.

In turn, I recognized that I respond in communication when I believe that the person with whom I am communicating is being sincere. I decided that responding seems to be a more vulnerable way to communicate in my life because I am so accustomed to sarcasm and negativity in my experiences with communicating thus far in life. So, I've been focusing on responding rather than reacting. I have been trying to assume that maybe, possibly, everyone is just trying to TALK to me.

Lesson 2:
At Sephora we do Special Occassion makeup applications. We focus on education during these longer, more in depth makeovers. We also require the purchase of a $50 gift card in exchange for the education. I was the consultant for a special occasion application yesterday. This lady said the following about eye makeup, "I like to use sparkly white on the lid and the brow bone, and dark on the crease for a really dramatic look that brings out my blue eyes." I repeated back to the lady and she confirmed. I then grabbed a sparkly white and a burnt orange/brown for the crease because orange is the complementary color to blue and she had mentioned her desire for me to bring out her blue eyes.

When I put the white on her one eye, I stopped to ask her if she like it before I did the other eye. "WHOA!" she responded. Clearly, she didn't MEAN "sparkly white." I switched from Makeup Forever's aqua cream in white, to Clinique's eye primer in canvas light. The difference is quite significant. Makeup Forever is dramatic, white, and sparkly. Clinique is natural looking, creamy/beige, and shimmery...not sparkly.

I thought to myself, it is soooooo crazy that her childhood, upbringing, relationships, ideas, lessons, etc had taught her that natural looking, creamy/beige, shimmery was actually dramatic, white, sparkly and that mine had taught me the opposite. Perhaps her Mom wore "clinique" and because her mom thought that was a dramatic look, she thought it was a dramatic look. Since she'd always worn a more natural look, she thought a little bit of color was a lot of color. To me, a lot of color is a lot of color. My experience had taught me that white sparkly is white sparkly. Her experience had taught her that white sparkly was cream shimmery. We communicate based on our experiences and our upbringing.

Conclusion:
Communication is based on each individual's perceived truth. My life teaches me what my truth is. Your life teaches you what your truth is. Our truth's don't become less true if they are different. Our truth's being different proves that life and spirituality are individual. My path is going to be so different from your journey. How could anyone think that there is only one truth in this world when his journey is completely and infinitely different from everyone else's paths'?

So, focus on responding honestly rather than reacting based on some assumption you've made when you communicate. And try to remember that just because my sparkly white is shimmering cream it doesn't mean that you're shimmering cream isn't sparkly white.

:) Communicate!

Without being skinny...

2010-08-25T23:24:00.000-07:00

I want to write in my journal, but I am already on the internet. And my bedroom light is off. And I'm faster at typing. So, blog it is.

I sometimes think that if I reach this "Ideal Belle" I will be everything everyone else wants me to be; my family, my friends, my coworkers, my school mates, my future "mate" (if that even exists)

I think yesterday, yes yesterday, I realized that I don't even know what this ideal is that I'm trying to reach. What IS it that I want to be that I am currently not? And here it is: skinny.

Will being THAT thing actually make me the person I want to be? Skinny.

Am I the person I want to be right now?

Who came up with the word "skinny?" It's kind of gross. The word sound, I mean...not actually being it.

How can I be the person I want to be without being skinny?

Seriously, this is how irrational my thoughts are:
"If I were thin, that person would have given me a discount."
"When I was thin, far more people were kind to me."
"Boys that I am attracted to are only attracted to me when I am thin...and have long hair."
"I will only be happy if I'm thin."

Saying it outloud makes it even more irrational.

I've lost 16 lbs. It seems like a lot, but I don't feel like I look any thinner. The weird thing is, I'm not a better daughter, coworker, friend. I'm kinda still what I was 16 lbs ago. Who the hell planted this idea in my head that I couldn't be all the things I want to be without being skinny?

Davines Hair Competition

2010-08-19T13:47:00.000-07:00

In March, I let Maddie Wood cut off all of my hair for the Davines hair competition. Davines is an Italian color/hair care line. Cameo College just started carrying it. The competition required that you cut the hair, and color it with Davines, and then submit four photos. I chose Maddie as my model and promised her that she could do whatever she wanted to my hair if I could do whatever I wanted to hers. Well, I was a little more conservative than she to say the least. The awesome news, I was in the top ten for North America with the cut and color I did on Maddie. We later found out that the international competition included students AND stylists. We thought it was just students which made the fact that I made top ten in North America a pretty huge deal. The finale is being held in Berlin in October. I didn't make it that far, but I'm pretty dang happy with top ten!

I am going to DREAM!!!

2010-08-16T23:55:00.000-07:00

"I would rather die doing what I love than live doing something that's not good enough.
I would rather live with no earthly possessions than have it all with emptiness."

Five years ago, I met Jeanne Madsen. She heard me sing at church in the Glendale 7th ward. She approached me and said, "You have to go to see Seth Riggs. He's a vocal coach that I work with and you HAVE to meet him!" I had wanted to sing for years, but the dream just seemed so unrealistic. So many people try. So many people fail. So many people think they are good enough...but most aren't. I had mostly, up until that point, been halted by fear. Fear that I would be a disappointment to my parents if I tried to "be a singer" and failed. Or fear that my voice was really amazing, but just not amazing enough. Or fear that I would crack, or my guitar playing wouldn't be good. Basically, the bottom line: I was afraid that I wasn't good enough. Therefore, I had convinced myself that it wasn't worth shooting for the moon.

Even if you shoot at the moon and miss, you still land among the stars.

So I went to see Seth Riggs. This man is known as the Simon Cowell of the singing world. He developed a singing technique called SLS: Speech Level Singing. Seth immediately decided to call me Bella. I liked that. After hearing me sing, Seth said, "Bella, you have a voice like a truck! You can do anything you want to do. If you want to be on Broadway, you can do it. If you want to be a vocal coach, you can do it. If you want to be a recording artist on a label, you can do it!" I had never been so encouraged. I had never felt so talented. I had never TRULY believed that I had what it took until that moment. I met with Seth a few times, he liked me very much and took me to dinner at Max Azria's house one night. On the way through the Hollywood Hills to Max's house, Seth's cell phone rang. "Hello?......Who is this?......Oh, Hi Steve," at which point he turned to me, covering the phone, and whispered, "Stevie Wonder!" so I would know why he was so rude to accept the call ;) Seth has worked with Michael Jackson, Stevie Wonder, Barbara Striesand, Bette Midler, Lionel Richie, and at one of my voice lessons Nicole Richie walked out right before me. Seth is a BIG deal. Right when I finally thought that maybe I actually COULD be a singer, I got sick. I was sick for the next 7 months. For that time, I could not sing. It was like being trapped in my own body. None of the dr's I went to could determine why I was not getting better. They put me on 3 different rounds of antibiotics, an inhaler because they thought it was asthma, prednisone, and more. I just continued to get sinus infections and drainage and constant buildup in my nose and throat. After months, Dr. Davis in Blackfoot discovered a cyst in my adenoids. When I went home to have my adenoids removed, my parents offered to pay for me to go to college at ISU and I never returned to LA.

Five years later, I went to Jeanne Madsen's funeral. She had been ill for over a year but was unaware that her illness was cancer until about 3 months ago at which point the physicians gave her two weeks to live. Jeanne lived for longer than anticipated but it wasn't in recovery. She disintigrated. It was heart breaking. She was in pain and incoherent. I fell apart when I first heard that she had 2 weeks to live because I didn't even know she was sick! It was so crazy. I hadn't heard from her for years but for some reason I felt like my personal cheerleader, my "pusher", my singing soul mate, was gone and it hit me in a way that no other death has hit me. There was nothing I could say. I felt like I didn't have any reason to visit her. Finally, I realized that the only thing for me to do was sing. I practiced for hours playing "I'll Stand By You" and "Closer To You" (by Brandi Carlile). I couldn't get through it a single time in practice. I felt like Jeanne LITERALLY was the reason I sang at all! The reason I chose vocal performance as a major. The reason I believed in my singing. If she hadn't pushed me, none of my vocal pursuits would have happened. When I got to Provo and saw Jeanne, I couldn't believe that the woman in the bed was her. She looked so dull and lifeless. Not like the loving, outgoing, loud, fun, singing Jeanne I knew. I sang for her and made it through both songs without crying. It was one of the most empowering moments of my life.

At the funeral, many people asked me how I knew Jeanne. I told them, "She heard me sing and she wouldn't let me live until I committed to meeting with her vocal coach in LA." And each person I talked to said, "So...why aren't you singing?" And you know what? Every time I tried to answer I couldn't. It's my life. It's my heart. It's what I wish I could be doing every single minute of every single day, and I'm burrying my dream because of FEAR!

In his eulogy, Jeanne's brother said, "Jeanne lived a life of courage. She wasn't afraid of anything....Jeanne believed in Dreams!" Someone also said, "A ship in a harbor is safe but that's not what ships were made for."

It's incredible to me how my path has crossed with Jeanne's. I would be foolish to deny the hand of God in it all. She opened my eyes to my dream and reminded me again five years later. So, would you rather live dying, or die trying? I choose to dream :)

Enchantment

2010-07-26T09:11:00.000-07:00

Christmas at our house is magical...

It Is Still A Beautiful World

2010-07-21T16:06:00.000-07:00

"Desiderata"

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be
greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career
however humble;
it is a real possession in the
changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you
to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit
to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham,
drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy."
— Max Ehrmann

Life has thrown some serious curve balls at me this year. I have found myself questioning the virtue of humanity. I've been too trusting. Isn't it sad that that quality has turned out to be a fault? It's so difficult to be the person I want to be; good, happy, loving, kind; when people around me aren't the people I wish they would be.

One of my roommates moved out yesterday. She had been thinking about it for awhile, I'm sure, but everything came to a head yesterday. She was out in a half hour. A truck and a SUV were here to pack her up and get her out. The problem is not that she moved out. It was that she didn't even tell me she was planning on it, didn't replace herself, didn't communicate, and refused to be an adult about the situation. If she had said, "Belle, I am going to move out so I'm letting you know that now while I look for someone to take my place." I would have been fine with that. But, no warning. No nothing. Unfortunately, she also threw my OTHER roommate under the bus. She told the apartment office manager that our other roommate was not on the lease.

Now, I am roommate-less. As of yesterday morning, there were three people in my apartment. Today, it's just me. This makes the 2nd roommate that has moved out and broken the lease with no notice, leaving me stranded, SINCE JANUARY! How do I keep finding people like this?

I spent a long time crying. Thinking it was me. That I'm just too hard to live with. Then I spent some more time crying. Thinking it was everyone else. That they are just too hard to live with. Then I spent some time trying to breathe deeply while I figured out if I was going to pay the $1320 in full, or try to force someone else to help me. It seemed nothing would ever be ok, ever again.

And then. Then I realized that just like every other hard thing I've ever done, I will do this thing too. And it will be fine. And I will be fine. And life will be fine.

But man, it took awhile to get there.

The Reddest Red in All The Land

2010-07-09T23:22:00.001-07:00

Things I Learned From My Most Recent...

2010-07-09T23:17:00.000-07:00

1. There are still honest men in this world.
2. There are still incredibly thoughtful men in this world.
3. Someone will love me for me and all my quirky.
4. There's a dude who likes me enough to fold 5 baskets of laundry with me; who will bring me coffee/lunch when I need a friend; who will always be excited to see me.
5. Flower keys exist.
6. Apparently, cats tell you they love you by bringing you dead things.
7. Opposite schedules are hard and make you tired.
8. There's a person in this world who will listen, really listen, to everything I have to say. And he'll appreciate it.
9. There's a man in existence who will laugh at all my jokes because he sincerely thinks I'm funny.
10. I'm still, sadly, incapable of a healthy relationship...even with a sweet hearted, completely amazing rockstar like this man.

...We live, we learn...right?

Aw, Life.

2010-07-06T21:05:00.000-07:00

Turns out, it's kind of hard to be a grown up. I just bought a car *cheers&applause*. Cute little Coco the Cube. She's a doll. 30 miles to the gallon, the safest little SUV on the highway, plus spunky like me. Don't worry about the skulls, stars, and hearts that are soon to be added to the sides FO FREEEEE :)

Rent. Utilities. Internet. Cell phone. Car payment. Gas. Groceries...?

If someone could tell me how to make all the ends meet, I would love you for the rest of my life. But don't be depressed. It's not the end of the world. It's really warm here in Salt Lake. And I did have some Campbell's soup for dinner :)

turns out you CAN always get what you want

2010-05-01T15:46:00.000-07:00

"Get firmly in mind the definite conviction that YOU CAN DO ANYTHING RIGHT THAT YOU MAY WISH TO DO. Then set your goal and let everything you do, all your work, all your study, all your associations, be a step towards that goal." -Robert Collier

"If you want a thing bad enough
to go out and fight for it,
work day and night for it,
Give up your time and your peace and your sleep for it,
If only desire of it
Makes you quite mad enough
Never to tire of it,
Makes you hold all other things tawdry and cheap for it,
If life seems all empty and useless without it
And all that you scheme and you dream is about it,
If gladly you'll sweat for it
Fret for it, plan for it,
Lose all your terror of God or man for it,
If you'll simply go after that thing that you want,
With all your capacity, strength and sagacity,
Faith, hope and confidence, stern pertinacity,
If neither cold, poverty, famished and gaunt,
Nor sickness nor pain of body or brain,
Can turn you away from the thing that you want,
If dogged and grim you besiege and beset it,
YOU'LL GET IT!" -Berton Braley

"In my experience, when a person REALLY wants something, she goes after that thing with everything she's got til she gets it." -Michelle Cardinal

What have we learned? If you didn't get it, you didn't want it bad enough.

The New Fro :)

2010-04-22T17:44:00.001-07:00

Be Ridiculous.

2010-04-19T12:05:00.000-07:00

FLAUBERT TO LOUISE COLET, AS RETOLD IN The Art of Travel by ALAIN de BUTTON
"What stops me from taking myself seriously, even though I'm essentially a serious person, is that I find myself extremely ridiculous-- not in the sense of the small-scale ridiculousness of slapstick comedy, but rather in the sense of a ridiculousness that seems intrinsic to human life and that manifests itself in the simplest actions and most ordinary gestures. For example, I can never shave without starting to laugh; it seems so idiotic."

MARILYN MONROE
"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."

ME
Often, I find myself laughing out loud...at myself. I have silly little memories that run through my mind at moments when others think it is ridiculous to giggle. Like while washing the dishes, or opening an envelope. Every day tasks remind me of a time I did that every day task and it was more fun....or more ridiculous. And I love that about myself. If I can't make myself laugh, than it doesn't matter who I can.

WEBSTERS

Main Entry: ri·dic·u·lous

Pronunciation: \rə-ˈdi-kyə-ləs\

Function: adjective

Etymology: Latin ridiculosus (from ridiculum jest, from neuter of ridiculus) or ridiculus, literally, laughable, from ridēre to laugh

Date: 1550

: arousing or deserving ridicule : absurd, preposterous

synonyms see laughable

— ri·dic·u·lous·ly adverb

— ri·dic·u·lous·ness noun

and, YOU...?

I love it when people hate...

2010-03-24T19:57:00.000-07:00

-Santa. That's hilariously perfect to me.
-Chocolate. It means I can have more.
-Mint. Because I hate it and when other people hate it too I feel like I have a new friend.
-Country. It's lame.
-Celebrities. You are SO just jealous. That's funny.
-Exercise.
-Pictures. There's going to be at least one or two of you a year. Get over it.
-Talking. It means I can do it more.
-Animals. Not in a "want to kill them" way but just a "never want to own or pet them" way.
-Reading. Makes sense. It's only required for 90% of life. The other 10% is only available outdoors...
-The Outdoors. It's always cold at some point out there.
-Showering. Dude, I tooootalllly got you on this one. It's a chore.
and....many more.

Non Stop Awesome

2010-02-19T22:48:00.000-08:00

Once, Jen said this to me and it has been forever added to our vocabulary. Turns out that sometimes we just rule harder. Don't be sad, though. Just use "non stop awesome" and you can be part of our club. Thank you.

You Can Be Whatever You Like

2010-02-19T22:39:00.000-08:00

So, remember that one time when we were little? We were told all the time "You can be anything you want to be." At some point, however, society told us that we weren't pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, dedicated enough, or unique enough to actually be whatever it is we wanted to be. Screw society. Thanks a lot, buddy. Now, the day has come for me to be whatever I like. I like Grey's Anatomy. From today and onto forever, I will watch it with the opposite of guilt. I loooove to do hair. I'm really good at it too. From now on, I will do hair and do it good. Sometimes, most times, I find humor in misusing the English language because people who know me know I'm actually very grammatically correct. This is awesome and will continue to happen. Would you like to know why? Because I can be whatever I like. Amen.

Amsterdamnation

2009-12-29T12:23:00.000-08:00

Amsterdam was the first stop on our journey. We only had a 20 hour layover, but we made the most of our trip. It was fun to experience a little bit of European culture, architecture, and cuisine. Here are some of the highlights:

"Here we come, World!"

This is what our seats looked like. We had LOTS of stuff. It was always a Macguyver maneuver to get everything situated for take off and landing.

This is where they screw you. Euro's are pretty though. Our money doesn't measure up in Europe.

It's actually required that you run when you exit the Schiphol airport...doesn't matter how many bags you have.

Looking fabulous after a 9-ish hour flight, guarding the luggage.

Our Hotel. The Middle One.

I assume this means "Exit."

Getting all 6 of our bags down these 4 inch wide steps was pretty hilarious. I nearly fell down the staircase!

The architecture took my breath away. It was so neat! The road and sidewalk merge seamlessly and are made of brick. It's beautiful.

We rode this crazy ride that shoots you around in giant circles until you feel like puking. Especially because I was glasses-less and felt like an infant being picked up and put down repeatedly...overall, it was fun.

Thank you, Amsterdamnation, for throwing us a downtown carnival.

We are all wanderers.

These people were all searching for the red light district, too. So we joined forces.

I, of course, found the cotton candy :)

"Not-a-good-time-to-cross" signal

Everyone rides bikes in Amsterdam. They're healthy folk.

I believe our exchange rate was chrappe (crap)

Maybe the Best Steak I've Ever Had with our New Friends Andre and His Couch Surfer Host, Jose

Leaving our tiny European Hotel Room

Leaving the Airport

Inspire Me

2009-12-12T22:04:00.000-08:00

"Find Joy in the Journey." -President Thomas S. Monson

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. The fact is that most putts don't drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just ordinary people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, and most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is just like an old time rail journey... delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride." -Gordon B. Hinckley

"Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out." -John Wooden

"All you need is love." -The Beatles

"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world." -Anne Frank

"A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song." -Maya Angelou

"Say little, and love much; give all; judge no man; aspire to all that is pure and good." -White Eagle

"We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing." -George Bernard Shaw

"Love is implicit in every connection. It should be. Thus when absent it makes us insane." -Dave Eggers

"One of the marks of true greatness is the ability to develop greatness in others." -JC McCauley

"A compliment is a gift, not to be thrown away carelessly, unless you want to hurt the giver." -Eleanor Hamilton

"Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return." -Mary Jean Iron

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."
-Mother Theresa

Meet Fritzy

2009-12-12T18:09:00.000-08:00

BRITNEY "FRITZY" DEAN

Who is Fritzy? Well, she's my amazing roommate.

Why do I call her Fritzy? Britney has family that call her "Brits." When Britney was telling my friend Amy Skousen that, Amy said "Are you saying Fritz? It sounds like you're saying Fritz." The nickname was born and over time I just added the 'y' on the end.

What's Fritzy's favorite color? YELLOW

What's the most extreme thing you have done with Fritzy? Sitting on the dock of the bay was pretty intense. But there was also that one time when we jumped out of a plane together!
How did I meet Fritzy? I randomly moved into the first apartment I looked at in Pocatello a little over 2 weeks after returning home from my mission. Fritzy also randomly moved in. I told her that I loved her the first time I saw her face.

What's are some of the best things about Fritzy? She loves good music, she ALWAYS makes me laugh really hard. She strums the guitar when she's lonely. I converted her to skinny jeans. She has a diet coke glued to her hand every time I see her. We have a lot of inside jokes that would not be funny to anyone but us! No matter how I am feeling before I see Fritzy, she always makes me feel better.

I LOVE YOU, MAN!

Cali Vacay

2009-12-12T14:55:00.000-08:00

After being a counselor for Especially For Youth at BYU Provo this summer, I travelled to Monterey and Los Angeles to visit Sarah & Jesse, Annie & CO., and Kaci before her wedding. Here are a few photos:

Love Watching The Day Hit The Hay
Beautiful Monterey
Pregnant Lady and Me

"Hearting" The Setting Sun

Singing The Sun A Ni-Ni Lullaby

View of San Fran From The Temple

San Fran LDS Temple

Holding Up The San Francisco Bridge With My Finger

Train Station: Downtown Los Angeles

They Did It!

Jumping In For The Last Day Of Swim School

Madison And Calvin

Calvin: Not Picking His Nose, Just Cute

Madison: Grown Up

Madison's TOO Cute Goodbye Note

The Bride: Kaci

The Goods

The Ring

The Blushing Bride!

WT 09

2009-12-05T00:38:00.000-08:00

On my mission, Sister Malia Horton (married now...cool) and I decided to travel the world before the end of 2009. It was affectionately named "World Trip 2009" and later shortened to "WT 09." I know. Original. We also went on a diet once called "Life Change" because we didn't want to call it a diet. Every time we messed up on our diet, we would rename it when we started again. "Life change of Life"...after six or more failures became "Empowering life change of life: take 87, Calorie Countdown." Yes...we ARE as awesome as we sound.

Well, since Malia decided to marry, it was only logical that I found a new way to fulfill WT 09. It just so happened, ironically, that it was fulfilled with another friend of mine who happens to be married.

I just returned on Monday and have LOTS of stories to tell. I will update my blog with pictures as soon as I...feel like it. Wait for it. It will be fantastic. Here's a teaser, me on a boda boda in Kakamega:

Three weeks ago...

2009-10-06T16:38:00.000-07:00

I dropped out of college. For the second time. And I feel fantastic. You see, I've been pursuing a college degree for the 5 semesters. I have had three majors. Honestly, music is my soul. Of all the majors I momentarily majored in, music is where I should be. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to do hair and makeup. I woke up one day and realized I was pursuing a degree not because I want one, but because it is the mark of success to many others who surround me. I was pursuing a degree to make other people happy.

After some thought, I decided to cut my losses and do what I want to do. HOORAY! I'm going to cosmetology school in January. Salt Lake City seems much more suitable to me. And I've always wanted to live there. It's a funny moment when you wake up at 23 and realize that you are finally going to do what you want to do. It was very liberating to let go of everyone else's expectations for me and do what I WANT TO DO for me. It's pretty exciting.

Katie Moses Crofts has been a friend since we were 15. Good times. We met at theatre camp. Katie has been traveling like crazy for the past couple years. One of her yearly, or bi-yearly, retreats is to Africa with HART (Humanitarian Aid Relief Team). I was SOOO lucky to get in with them this year and will be traveling to Africa for a month for a medical mission with Kimball Crofts M.D. and Katie, and a team of physicians. It's even more exciting than dropping out of college! Katie and I will be going earlier than the rest of the volunteers. Not only that, but we will be traveling around a little bit just for fun.

The next time you hear from me, I will have returned from a six week trip in which I will have visited Amsterdam, Africa, Egypt, Jordan, and Dubai. Ciao!

ps I cut bangs.

Tell You All Things

2009-08-24T09:28:00.000-07:00

Week 10A. I had ten girls this week, and Ed had 10 boys. It was nice to have a small company. We worked with the 14-15 year olds again. I love working with the younger kids because they listen to everything you say. It's awesome! The session director this time was Sister Olson. We had a great week!

Ed and I!

The banner for games night turned out to be FABULOUS!!!

Our company: Tell You All Things

Brad and Oli. Oli was baptized 2 weeks before he came to EFY because of Brad's friendship and example. These two livened up the week. Every time they saw me, they would yell "BELLA! BELLA WE LOVE YOU!"

I walked by and my girls were praising the sun in what they called "Sun Salutation." Natalie, Julie, and Kim.

I saw SOOO many fanny packs at EFY. This kid, Jordan, single handedly made it look good :)

Friday service project! The youth got to color mats for a children's hospital.

This week all of our kids were obsessed with the "Twighlight" connection. Edward and Bella are the lead characters in that book and I am Bella, my co was Ed. I am morally opposed to that book series, and will never read it. Since it's all the rage among the kids, there were quite a few comments that week.

Truth of All Things

2009-08-24T09:17:00.000-07:00

Our company name: Truth of All Things (Moroni 10:4)

All the girls from our company!

Week 9A was my first week. It was a BLAST! I worked with 14-15 year old kids. My co-counselors were Stephanie Lindblad, Shaun Johnson, and Stevie Jennings. They were amazing to work with. My first week was fantastic due to their help. Sadly, I can't remember a lot of this week...it was all new to me and I was pretty overwhelmed. It was amazing to see the growth and progress in my girls. I love them all!

Stevie, Steph, Me, and Shaun!

Mr. Toad. I was hoping for a prince and was bitterly let down.

My girls died after our pizza night on Wednesday. It was funny!

One day during lunch Shaun accepted the torture.

After the Tuesday night dance most of my girls gathered round for a sweaty circle picture!

My roommate, Mckell, who I love, love, love, love, LOVE!!!

knowledge of truth.

2009-07-18T16:23:00.000-07:00

change is possible. most people don't want it. that makes me sad. as i've been studying for efy, i've been reminded that i have a knowledge of the truth. God has blessed me with a sure testimony of the gospel. while watching some of the training videos, one caught my eye. some efy associates asked 50 people one question: can people change?

less than 1% of people know why they are here. here being earth, mortality, this life. the majority of those asked if people can change replied, no. most people believe that we are who we are and that's that. the end.

isn't it a blessing to know the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ? through the atonement, change is possible. true change! lasting change! everyone can change. with this knowledge of the truth, the greatest truth man can know, the only thing one needs to decide is if he does or does not WANT to change.

recently, i've stopped analyzing my life as much. the introspection hasn't been as prevalant in my life lately as it has been in the past. today, i noticed that my attitude about change and the atonement has changed. i was sad to recognize that i've allowed myself to believe that i can not change. this is false!

today begins my path of change. i know that my Savior, Jesus Christ, completed the atonement that i may change. i know that He lives. i know that the atonement is the only means through which i will truly change. the atonement has changed my heart. it is through the atonement that i gained a knowledge of some basic truths that have changed my life forever. i want to be the woman that God wants me to be. i want to make the changes necessary to become that instrument in His hands. His daughter. forever.

i am grateful for the truth, and that i am one of the blessed 1% that know why i'm here. i'm here to seek Christ's atoning power to change. after a life full of it...righteous changing... i will live with Him again.

Things I've learned from my most recent breakup

2009-07-11T01:33:00.000-07:00

1. Don't memorize the dude's number. You will remember forever, even if you delete it out of your phone.
2. Don't ruin a five year friendship by trying to "make things work" romantically.
3. Don't try to change people.
4. Date people who believe in the same things as you. There are so many hard things to deal with in a relationship. Don't make core belief's one of them.
5. Just...let...go. God will take care of you.
6. Call Julie when you get dumped and she will take you apartment shopping and to dinner and a movie.
7. Do NOT forget tissues when you watch "My Sister's Keeper" as an excuse to cry about the breakup.
8. Trust that there will be a man worth your trust.
9. Believe that there will be a man in whom you can believe.
10. Remember that everything happens for a reason...

There is no coincidence in life.

Apparently NOT!!!

2009-06-24T12:15:00.000-07:00

It's always funny to me how life works out. It was Monday, June 22nd. I was sitting in Dr. Sorensen's foyer at the Murray Intermountain Health Care facility, talking to President Thurston (soooo happy. I LOVE him.) when Dr. Sorensen's nurse told me my surgery was to be June 23rd at 1:00 pm. Dr. Sorensen is the specialist that performed my Mother's heart surgery. Moments after getting off the phone with President, Dr. Sorensen pulled my Mom and I back to a room and told me that I DO NOT HAVE A HOLE IN MY HEART!!!!

AWESOME?!?!?WHAT?!?!?

Apparently the bubbles that crossed through my heart at rest on the bubble echo are normal in young women. The bubbles actually passed through the lungs. Many people who aren't specialized in bubble echo's don't have this knowledge. Dr. Sorensen has done many tests, though, so he was aware. Dr. Sorensen has gone into people's hearts via catheter before and found that they didn't have a hole to patch, even after witnessing bubbles cross the heart with his own eyes, in a bubble echo.

SOOOOOO, awesome news: I don't need heart surgery! Yay!!! Not so awesome news: I was scared that any exercise would worsen the hole in my heart and therefore haven't moved a muscle for six weeks! BOOOOO! Good news: I can start today :)

Heavenly Father really does take care of me. I am extremely grateful. Thank you all for your prayers and love!

My Health Hates Me and my Heart Needs Surgery

2009-05-27T17:22:00.000-07:00

Here's the story, and it's a long one so buckle up!

My summer plans included moving to Jackson Hole; working at my favorite hotel, the Painted Buffalo Inn; and having a wonderful time in the most beautiful place in America. Shortly before my move, my trusty 1995 BMW started doing weird things and eating it's own oil. Ridiculous, I know. The moral of the beamer hating me is that I was left carless for the summer (or at least the first portion while my car got fixed) and my Mom had to drive me to Jackson.

On May 18th we got to Jackson and unloaded everything into an empty hotel room. Something just wasn't sitting well inside of me. I love Jackson! I lived there and worked at the Painted Buffalo in 2004. It was super exciting for me to go back. That's why it was so weird when I suddenly, after already unloading all my stuff, didn't feel good about it.

Well, after a staff meeting, lunch, and some light shopping, I decided to listen to the Spirit and not stay in Jackson for the summer. I was super bummed for multiple reasons. Here are a few of them:

1. I was super excited to be in Jackson again, as has been previously mentioned.
2. I was NOT super excited at the idea of living in Blackfoot for the summer.
3. It was annoying that I got all the way there, and unloaded, and THEN felt like I shouldn't be there. Woulda been nice had I gotten that feeling a few hours earlier.

But alas....

My Mom, two days from having heart surgery to repair a hole in her heart, and I loaded up all my junk and drove out the same day. Oh, May 18th. You don't know how pivotal you were. Mom's surgery went well. She nearly coded after surgery and could have died which FREAKED me out. Luckily, she didn't die, and she's back. I decided to stay here in Blackfoot this summer to be the assistant for Cardinal Custom Design since Mom can't do any heavy lifting. It is so fun to paint and do interior designing with my Mom. It allows our artistic sides to bond with each other.

It turns out that if you have a hole in your heart, 50% of your children will also have a hole in their hearts. Good odds, eh?! My Dad did a bubble echo on me on Monday. The bubbles passed through a hole in my heart at rest, which is bad news bears. It was determined that I for sure have a hole in my heart. Then yesterday, May 25th, I got a brain MRI. My Dad (a radiologist) reviewed the scan and found 5 lesions. A person with a hole in their heart sometimes has paralytic migraines, which are in fact mini-strokes. A lesion is sometimes caused by one of the mini strokes. A blood clot passes through the hole in the heart without getting filtered, goes straight to the brain, and kills a portion of the brain. I am no doctor, so this is like the most retarded and basic explanation ever. Lesions, especially lots of them, can lead to dementia. The fact that I've had 5 mini strokes means that I'm at risk for a not so mini stroke. Risk is a scary thing to mess with.

TURNS OUT MOST 22 year olds don't have 5 brain lesions. Go figure. Now, I will be having the heart surgery my Mom had to "patch" up the hole in my heart. This will basically diminish my chances of having more mini strokes/paralytic migraines, thus preventing more brain lesions. No dementia or strokes for me, YAY HOORAY!

The Awesome Miracle of it All:

If I had my own car and hadn't gone to Jackson with my Mom, I wouldn't have returned to Blackfoot. If I hadn't listened to that icky feeling in Jackson, who knows how long it would have been til I was tested for a hole in my heart. Had I not been tested, I would have kept running and endurance sports cause holes in the heart to get bigger. I won't be running a full this fall FOR SURE now :( Who knows what would have happened?!?! Probably nothing. But, I am super grateful that Heavenly Father is extra hands-on involved in my life. You know, stopping strokes and brain lesions and stuff. I am not even worried about the surgery. Everything will work out, it always does. It's still super crazy to me, though, that I'll be going under for a Dr. to patch up a hole in my heart. Weird.

Over and out.

Remember that one time...

2009-05-23T15:16:00.000-07:00

That I said I was going to run a full marathon this fall? Yeah, that was a funny joke. It has been too long, as Sage would agree, since I ran my half marathon. All of the pain has left my body. On May 16th Stephanie Loomis-Lords and I ran a painful 13.1 miles (a lady with a nifty watch said it was actually 14.2, but that is neither here nor there because she was no authority). We started out strong. It felt as though we were running about 9.5 minute miles, which was slightly faster than our normal pace. Unfortunately, that lead to early exhaustion at mile 7 ish. Therefore, the race that we could have finished in 2 hours and 20 minutes ended up taking me just shy of three hours. BOOOO! And, it killed. It felt as though my legs were going to pop straight out of my hip sockets with every step I took, as though I were a Barbie doll....a plus sized Barbie doll with weak hip sockets. Ha.

I rounded the corner near the finish line and Steph, who finished about 10 minutes before me, yelled "BELLE! YOU CAN DO IT! IT HURTS LIKE [a lot] BUT YOU CAN DO IT!" I turned to her with all of the built up teenage angst in my heart and screamed "I HATE EVERYTHING!" Moments later I added, "[Yeah Right about] A FULL MARATHON, MAN! WHOEVER SAID RUNNING FULL MARATHONS WAS A GOOD IDEA IS A REAL JERK!"

Soooo, it's easy to say my half marathon experience was not quite peachy. However, the energy goo was not as bad as everyone said. Of course, the greatest part about it is that I actually ran 13.1 miles. It took longer than expected, and hurt far more than anticipated, but I finished. What now? That kinda makes me a cool person, let's be honest.

Oh yeah, running is for communists (you were right all along).

The Runner in Me

2009-05-06T20:52:00.000-07:00

After it being brought to my attention, I realized that I haven't mentioned a single thing on my blog about my obsession with running. In high school, my freshman year, I hurt my feet and couldn't run for five years due to plantar fasciatis and chronic tendinitis. It was not that comfortable. Then, in college, I believe my third semester, I decided to try an army fitness class. It was very early, but very fun. My roommates did it with me. We started out running a mile in the class. I believe I stopped around ten times, out of breath and ready to die. I literally could not believe ANYONE enjoyed running.

By mid-semester, I had run 3 miles without stopping. It was pretty exciting until my tendinitis flared back up. I didn't run again for just under a year. Then, in June of 2007, I left for my mission in Texas. I knew that with only 30 minutes to exercise in the mornings I would have to do something cardio and quick. I started running in the MTC in Provo. When I got to Texas the lower elevation made running a piece of cake. For the next 18 months, I ran 3-5 days a week. Due to the short time allotted for exercise, the most I ever ran on my mission was just over three miles.

Since returning on December 31, 2008 I have been training with my friend Stephanie for a half marathon on May 16th. We are now hitting our really-long long runs. It has been exciting to be able to run 11.2 miles without any foot pain! Heavenly Father blessed me on my mission and I guess I built up a good enough base to keep running now that I'm home. Steph and I run just under 10 minute miles, usually. We're not really in it for the speed. We're mostly in it to finish...
"We're going the distance."

Initially I was planning to run this half marathon on May 16th and then a full marathon either in September (the Pocatello Marathon) or October (St. George). BUUUTTTTT, now that I've run 11 miles, and will be running 13.1 next Saturday, I've started to question my sanity in wanting to run 26.2 miles. THEN I saw all of the final four on "The Biggest Loser" complete a 26.2 mile marathon. Those people have lost over 100 lbs. If they can finish a marathon, so can I!

My very first race was a 5k on April 25th. My next race (as has been mentioned a lot) is a half marathon, 13.1 miles, on May 16th. And NOW, I reluctantly challenge myself to prepare for a FULL MARATHON this fall! On my mission I set a goal to complete one marathon a year until I die. I guess I'll be aiming for that beginning....now. Running, for a ridiculously long time, here I come.

My Bestie :)

2009-04-05T11:53:00.001-07:00

Carey Thomas. AKA Care Bear McNair Extraordinaire Angel of the Morning.
How we met: Working at Downtown Bread Company in Blackfoot (yummy!)
Why we fell into bestie love: Carey's the most caring (ironic?), loving, funny, best friend in the world. I love her!
Her favorite saying: "Anything for you, Belle."
The movie we basically cuddled during because it freaked us out so much: EAGLE EYE!
Our friendship token: Two halves of a rock Carey broke with her bare hands. That's why we call her Care Bear.

I LOVE YOU, BESTIE!

2009-03-16T23:30:00.000-07:00

AAAAAAAAAahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Lately, I feel like a good scream would clear my body of all the bad energy that sometimes dwells right in my middle region. Perhaps that is why I carry my weight there. That is neither here nor there. Every Tuesday and Thursday, Jackie says "I want you to pick a purpose to dedicate yourself to for this experience." Jackie is my yoga teacher.

Each yoga class, I pick something to dedicate myself to, an area I would like to become better in, or sometimes I dedicate my yoga session to someone who I would like to recieve my positive energy. It seems as though my soul is fulfilled and calmed for just an hour...while I lose focus of my problems, and instead gaze straight into my lack of balance and flexibility, which I'm working on.

What can I do to release the negative energy CONSTANTLY? I would just like for it ALWAYS to be gone. I find myself giving others positive advice, but not taking that advice for myself. It is funny, isn't it? So, today...this day, NOW, I have decided to remain positive. To stop the negativity that surrounds my mid section. If that requires losing weight, I'm okay with that. If that requires telling others to get out of my positivity bubble because they're really bringing my sunshine radar down, I'll do that too. "...AND MEN ARE THAT THEY MIGHT HAVE JOY."

I WILL HAVE JOY!!!!

JOY, watch out; I'm coming for you.

Change Takes Time, and Time Brings Change

2009-01-29T09:07:00.000-08:00

On June 20, 2007, I entered the Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah. It was my 21st birthday. My mom and I both forgot until we went to the bank to get her name on my account. "Happy Birthday, Michelle!" The teller said. My mom turned to me with her mouth wide in surprise, "I'm SOOOO sorry! I forgot!" I just laughed and replied, "I FORGOT TOOO!" It was the most exciting day of my life, up until that point. It didn't matter that the rest of the world looked forward to that birthday for their entire lives. To me, it was the best birthday present ever to enter the MTC.

It's impossible to sum up my entire mission in a brief blog posting. But, I just wanted to address the everlasting change that has taken place in my soul. From each companion, I learned more about who I should be; who I wanted to become. It became quickly apparent that LOVE is ALL the world needs. Every problem, on a person to person level, can be fixed with love. If my love doesn't work, Christ's love always will. Thus, LOVE is literally ALL we need.

As soon as I figured that out, rather quickly I might add, my view of life and service completely changed. I started to realize that Jesus Christ served us all out of love. He commanded me to love as He loves. That required humble, selfless service.

" I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God" (Mosiah 2:17).

It became a part of my heart that service is how one may truly come to understand the love of God. God IS love.

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God. And everyone that loveth is born of God and knoweth God. He that loveth not knoweth not God, for God is love. In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten son into the world that we might live through him. Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another. No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us" (1 John 4:7-12).

The greatest lesson I learned is love. Every day I prayed to be filled with the love of God, like Moroni tells us to do:

"Wherefore, my beloved brethren pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart that ye may be filled with this love which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his son, Jesus Christ, that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, that we may see him as he is, that we may have this hope that we may be purified even as He is pure, amen" (Moroni 7:48).

I asked God with all the energy of my heart to see the potential in His children that he sees in them. I asked to recognize the potential He saw in ME. I asked Him to remove the judgement from my eyes and allow me to see His children, my brothers and sisters all around me, dressed in white; pure, clean, and holy. It was amazing how the Lord removed the blinds from my eyes. I was filled with such a great love for every one I saw. I cherish that love. It was the love of Christ. That love, that perfect, unchanging love, changed me. Thanks to my mission, I know that all I need is love.

2009-01-29T08:56:00.002-08:00

I am now a redhead...and I love it. Everyone is sure to let me know that they like black/brown better. Let's be honest, I do enjoy my black hair. But, I am a girl that loves change. Red is super fun. For those of you who DON'T approve, don't worry. It won't be long until I'm back in black.

2009-01-29T08:56:00.001-08:00

"Although music is not a belief system, I think that its importance and its appeal also depend upon its being a way of ordering human experience. Music exalts life, enhances life, and gives it meaning. Great music outlives the individual who created it. It is both personal and beyond the personal. For those who love it, it remains as a fixed point of reference in an unpredictable world. Music is a source of reconciliation, exhilaration, and hope which never fails."

-Anthony Storr

I love music! It is probably third place in my life; 1.Jesus, 2.Family, 3.Music. This quote makes me feel better about being a music major. Lots of people try to convince me to change my major to something more lucrative, but I am passionate about music and I will make it work for me, if I ever have to work. The prayer of my heart is music to the Lord.

Let Him Save You

2007-05-16T21:41:00.000-07:00

There's a girl standing a few feet from the deep end of a pool. She doesn't even look that direction. Her back is to the pool. But slowly,her attention begins to shift. She turns to the side thinking, "perhaps that pool is something I'm interested in." Then she turns about completely and contemplates the allure of the deep end only a few feet from her. The pool has not had an appeal up to this point but suddenly, it does. Maybe because the heat is hotter or the girl thinks she is older and ready for the pool .

Whatever the reason, she decides to dip her feet. Then her knees, soon she's all the way in and wading in the deep end. It isn't long until she finds herself struggling to stay afloat. Pretty soon she is fighting for her life and the edge of the pool grows more and more distant. She is drowning and fighting it. She begins to realize that maybe a dip of her toes wasn't the best idea. Soon, the battle becomes too great and she gives up the fight altogether.

What happened to this girl who wasn't even facing the pool what seemed to be only moments ago? The consequences of her decisions became more and more fatal with what only began as a turn toward the wrong decision. I once found myself in this girls position. Drowning in the world while trying to keep an eye on the truth. It's not too long before it's impossible to see the truth. Never stop fighting for the truth. With out the Savior and his atonement, I would never have known the peace and joy that comes from being pulled out of the deep end of life's troubles. The Savior reached in and saved me Himself. This is how I feel about Jesus Christ.

Revelations 1:6-7.

"6 And hath made us kings and priests unto God and his Father; to him be glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen.

7 Behold he cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see him, and they also which pierced him: and all kindreds of the earth shall wail because of him. Even so, Amen."

All kindreds will rejoice and yell and accept Christ's love. We will realize how much Jesus has really done for us. Every eye shall see the greatness and glory of God.

Christ shows us how it feels to be out of the pool. The Savior's atonement is our life vest when we fall in, and all of us do. We all decide to just dip our toes in something; whether it be a tv show, an unkind word to friend's or loved ones, an apathetic attitude that leads to laziness and procrastination. The things that get us to take a little dip are the things that can pull us in so far that the side of the pool is no longer visible. All satan needs is a toe in the pool and before long he can pull us in and make it look like water marco polo. NEVER start sinking in the deep end! I plead with everyone who ever looks that way to turn to the Savior instead. To obey with exactness the commandments of our Lord. Believe that He is our Savior and know He died for us. Let us always remember. Let us never turn from him. 2 Nephi 6:7, 14.

"They shall bow down to thee with their faces towards the earth, and lick up the dust of thy feet; and thou shalt know that I am the Lord; for they shall not be ashamed that wait for me.

And behold, according to the words of the prophet, the Messiah will set himself again the second time to recover them; wherefore, he will manifest himself unto them in power and great glory, unto the destruction of their enemies, when that day cometh when they shall believe in him; and none will he destroy that believe in him."

If we always remember Him and NEVER turn from Him, we will NOT BE ASHAMED. We will wait for Him. I will wait for Christ.

Cultural Cuisine

2007-02-28T20:36:00.000-08:00

The air was crisp and my stomach was grumbling. It was Salt Lake City, Utah a few years ago. An old friend named Jay took me to a Chinese food restaurant. The name was “5 Star Chinese” with a smaller red text that read “Chinese and Thai Cuisine,” if I remember correctly. While we were dining on five star Chinese with five star service, I might add, Jay leaned over and whispered in my ear, “See that Mexican man by the door?” I nodded, “He owns this restaurant.”
My first reaction was “Hmmm…A Mexican man owns a Chinese food restaurant?” I laughed a little, we finished our meal, and probably watched some box office hit film later that night.
Presidents Day weekend 2007 my sister, Sarah, and I were looking for a sushi restaurant in downtown Salt Lake. All the sushi bars were closed until 5:30 in the evening, but it was 3 and our stomachs’ were going to eat the rest of our organs, so we had to eat.
“Lets just walk around and see if we can find anything open.” Our little trek around downtown led me to an old familiar dining establishment. This particular restaurant read “5 Star Chinese” and it was just across the street from us. I turned to Sarah and said “A Mexican owns that Chinese restaurant.” She flatly said “So…?” I shook my head, and we continued.
Finding everything downtown to be closed, we decided on Mexican food, our second favorite. The only thing that ruins a good Mexican restaurant is bad chips and salsa, but that’s another story. Anyway, there was a little place near Sarah’s apartment that she liked. We sat down, looked at the menu’s and our waiter showed up for our order.

“Are you ready?” he asked. Sarah looked up and replied “Hey, you live in my apartment complex!”
“Oh yeah,” he remembered, “I thought I recognized you.” It turns out the two had switched apartments a few days earlier because he needed a one bedroom and she a two.
“Don’t you own this place?” she asked, of the restaurant.
“No. My brother and I manage it though.” We ordered and he left. A minute later I asked, “Is he Mexican?” Sarah gave me the ‘did you just ask that’ look and said, “Does he LOOK Mexican?” We laughed, probably because it was a sister thing to laugh at our weird sarcasm that only rears it’s ugly head around each other, not because a non-Mexican managed the Mexican restaurant.
So, here is my question. Why is it odd to see someone own a restaurant of a culture completely different than their own? Is the food still authentic in these establishments? And if it’s not, is it still good? I came to the conclusion that we are socially trained to assume a Mexican owns the “hole-in-the-wall” Mexican restaurant down the street, or our favorite little Chinese restaurant. The decision to accept wonderful cuisine regardless of the culture of the owner/chef is one that I am going to stick with. Mexican cooks, continue on with the wonderful Italian food I so enjoy from The Olive Garden. I will judge no more!

My Angel (The Song)

2007-02-28T20:25:00.000-08:00

Do angels appear in the bodies of men,
Here on earth to save wandering children?
I never believed but one came to save me

His is not the name of an angel
But I didn't think or even care
For his love I will always be grateful
He was here and he was my angel

It was eternity in a day, everything moving in slow motion
Hadn't quite hit me, the way I was leaving with out emotion
Little did I know he would save me that day
By giving to me in every way

His is not the name of an angel
But I didn't think or even care
For his love I will always be grateful
He was here and he was my angel

You wouldn't have talked to him or listened to what he had to say
But I did and he helped make it okay
So no matter what way your angel appears,
Welcome him... He'll wash away your fears

His is not the name of an angel
But I didn't think or even care
For his love I will always be grateful
He was here and he was my angel.

Sally's Crown

2007-02-14T17:55:00.000-08:00

a poem i wrote about love

today i picked up my favorite pet

her name is Sally, she's usually wet

but i dried her off , she gave me a smile

and asked if i'd mind sitting down for awhile

she told me of days in her little glass world

i could feel her pain as the story unfurled

"nobody loves me, nobody cares."

with tears in her eyes-she cried, she shared

"Sally, i'm quite a wise one you know..."

she laughed and i said "perhaps i should grab Joe!"

"NO, NO!" said Sally, "i want to stay and talk-

lets get out of here now, lets go for a walk."

i told her of how she is never alone

i walk by her house and make sure she's home

everyday i see how her water bowl looks

and think of new poems, new songs, and new hooks.

even though she's a wee little pet

i love her! who cares that she's usually wet?

there's always someone caring, watching nearby

"you know i love you, you know i wouldn't lie."

we dried our tears and learned today

pet or person-we're loved EVERDAY in some way

today i set my favorite pet down

and promised love in a kingdom, and someday a crown

My Angel

2007-02-13T20:30:00.000-08:00

It was a dark morning, diesel fuel hung thick in the air. As I boarded the greyhound bus, I contemplated my future. It wasn't that life up to that point had been so bad, it just hadn’t been great. I was heading to Los Angeles, in search of a new future; a new life. The way I played it out in my mind for the past few months, it was to be the journey of a lifetime. New people, new places, and new adventures were all in the appeal, but most of all, a new destiny. I thought about all the scheming and planning, and lying I had been doing. I thought I was so clever. Now, I was sitting on the bus with no identification. My hair had been shoulder length that morning, but I cut it on the way to the bus stop. I changed my name and I was leaving this ho-dung town behind. My dreams were going to come true... or so I thought.

At each stop, more and more people filled the dull, gray seats. I was amazed at the diversity in society that I had, thus far, been immune to. I realized then that I had lived a very sheltered life. I wondered why each person was there; where they were going; if their lives were about to change as drastically as mine was. Despite my mother’s cautions against talking to strangers in my youth, fear had not yet crept into my mind or my heart. I didn’t think. It was a stupid, selfish thing I was doing and I didn’t care. I didn’t care if I died; I didn’t care if I had to live on the streets. I couldn’t have cared less about the “rumor mill” back home.

My whole life I had been taught to use good judgment. That obviously didn’t phase me while making the following decision, fortunately. I had been watching him, a little curious, a lot hesitant. He was a sight I didn’t see everyday. The piercing’s were what I noticed first. One nose ring, like a cow, connecting the two nostrils; one between the eyebrows; one right above his lip; and one on his bottom lip. I remembered looking at a national geographic once in which some nation in Africa stretched out there ears, and this man had stretched his ears out to at least an inch.

After I got over the initial shock from his face, I noticed his clothing. Black tapered jeans with holes all over them, a black tattered and torn shirt with no sleeves, and what seemed to be a homemade, or I should say street made, jacket. I could smell him from where I was sitting three rows behind and on the opposite side of the bus. He reeked of body odor and chew; a mixture well concocted by bad habits. Basic hygiene was not one of the main skills he had developed in his life on the street.

I think he could feel me staring. That might explain why he approached me at the next stop and inquired about my destination. “I’m Spit,” he said as he threw out his hand for a shake. I didn’t know what to do. I’d never even heard that name before. Quickly, I tried to decide if I should ignore him, or reply.

“I’m Riley,” I replied. It was my alias name.

“Where are you going?”
“LA,” I replied. Spit hesitated.
“Do you know anyone there?”
“No.”
“Do you have a place to stay?”
“No.” Spit paused. I looked at him, aching for a response.
“Where are you going?” I inquired.
“I’m going with you.” The shocked look that must have crawled onto my face made him realize he’d better explain.

Spit met a girl from Kansas while he was squatting a few years earlier; a girl a lot like me. He made plans with his tribe to move on to east LA, so he didn’t invite Kansas to go. A few weeks later, he heard about a rape and murder. Walking by a shop downtown, he saw Kansas on the news. Spit told me he’d never leave someone who needed his help again. Although I didn’t know it, I needed his help. He changed his plans, and now we were traveling mates.

While on the bus, near the end of our journey, Spit clued me in on the happenings out on the streets in Los Angeles. He convinced me I wouldn’t live a week with out the help of someone who knew the streets. He told me I’d get a good night’s sleep in a dumpster; it was warm and people didn’t bug kids there. He described the tribes, the territories, and the tattoos; the burnings, beatings, and bruises. I wouldn’t need a knife or a gun, but Spit said he’d teach me how to hide a razor blade under my tongue. His sister stripped for three years. “Whatever you do, don’t strip. IF you need anything bad enough to start thinking about defiling your body like that, it’s time to find help.” I thought it a little ironic that stripping was defiling one’s body, but tattoos, peircings, and burns (all of which he had) were not.

Then, Spit said what God probably sent him to say all along.
“Ya know, I was squatting at 15 and my parents hated me but I still called every now and then to let them know I was alive.” At that moment I realized I had to call my mom. Not to tell her where I was, just to tell her I was alive. It had been two days since she saw me last, and I knew she must have been going out of her mind with worry.

The dirty old pay phone outside the Riverside Greyhound station in Riverside, California was the most intimidating thing I had ever seen. How was I to call my mom? I picked up the phone, and hung it back up. I put in the change, and dialed the area code but I couldn’t do it. Finally, the phone was ringing. For the first time of the entire journey, I got a little scared. Really, I was terrified. What if my parents didn’t want me to come home? What if they didn’t want to talk to me? I anxiously awaited the voice on the other end. Through her sobs my mother said hello. I sat in silence, feeling the pain I had caused her. My heart dropped and I couldn’t face her, even if it was just on the phone. A few seconds passed, but it seemed like an eternity of silence. My mother gasped painfully and said “MICHELLE?...Michelle is that YOU?” As soon as I heard her say my name my brave face started to fall apart. “I’m ok, Mom,” I said, trying to be strong…trying not to cry…trying to convince myself not to tell her where I was.

“Where are you?” My mother sobbed and gasped and bawled in my ear. I had never felt as horrible as I did then. I ripped my mother’s heart out. She lost her little girl, and I wasn’t planning on coming home. There was nothing I could say. I knew I couldn't do this to her. That's when I lost control of my emotions.

“I’m coming home.” We both bawled. Plans were made for her to come get me. I hung up the receiver and turned around. As I wiped my eyes, I saw Spit’s beautiful pierced face looking back at me.

“Everything is okay now, Michelle.”

Spit wrote his parent’s LA phone number on a piece of paper and told me if I was ever going back to California, or if I was going to “try again some time” to call him.

“Ask for Mike,” he said, “My mom doesn’t like it when my friends call me Spit.”

Spit may have been a questionable soul, but he was my angel that day. To this day, I believe he was a messenger sent from God. It was one fortunate encounter that changed my entire life, and my outlook on life. I realized that my family is the most important group I will ever be a part of. That they will be my support for the rest of my life. Spit knew that my name wasn’t Riley, and I wasn’t 18. He was aware that I was making a run for it. Something happened that day. I am alive because of him. I am who I am today because he opened my eyes to what I really had. “It is much easier to be happy, my dear. It is much easier to choose to love the things you already have.” (One True Thing) Thanks to that experience, I do.